Q&A Responses To Your Ads
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I am not getting what I asked for
The first thing I noticed when I started this online dating was that many answers were from people who obviously didn't read my ad or just didn't care.
For what it's worth, people will generally answer you if they find you hot regardless.
You mean if I put down I'm a total top, other total tops will expect me to bottom?
I don't know if they "expect you to," but they'll try
Then what is the point?
Well just because a lot of people will, doesn't mean everyone will disregard your wishes. I'll admit I've been guilty of this.
One Saturday night I was bored, horny and I got so frustrated I went down the list and answered every ad on the first 10 pages of Manhunt. Just to see if anyone would reply, to say, yes, no or even "Get lost"
FYI, it didn't work. No one answered LOL....
So even people like myself that are respectful can have moments of disregard
Well I don't understand
I guess what I'm trying to get at is this, even considerate people sometimes have bad times when they won't listen to what you put in your ad. And somethings they just don't think. Just try to keep that in mind, it'll help ease your frustration.
I've been getting some "mean spirited" answers to may ad
First of all look at your ad. Are these so called jerks right? I mean sometimes your ad is off, and they are not diplomatic about telling you so.
If there's one thing worse than having to put up with jerks, it's when these jerks are right.
If all looks OK to you, don't answer. Many people live to start fights. Just throw them on to your spam list or block them if possible.
And also remember sometimes people get jealous and want to "take you down a peg or two."
Should I answer everyone who replies to my ad?
This is a major point of discussion, whether or not to send a courtesy rewply. Based soley on my own experience I say no. When I first got online I would send a "courtesy" "thanks but not a match" to everyone. It soon became clear that all that got me was a lot of hostility in return. I know I'll generate a lot of reaction but that is what happend. I mean a LOT of hostility.
Incredibly enough, I found in most cases, probably around 90%, once I sent the courtesy "no" reply, I got the follow up "why?" Or "May I ask why you feel we are not a match?" OK now what do you say to that? Am I supposed to say "Well gee you're ugly?" Should I try to explain one of my "rules" is show your face pic before you reply, and if you don't, it shows you can't follow my rules. Then of course I'd get another reply, "Who are you to set rules, do you own the Internet? You can see where this is headed very quickly.
And the tone is really hostile. I told a guy in Aurora, that since I haven't got a car I don't go out with suburban guys. He had a few nice things to say about what a loser I was because I couldn't afford a car. And he wasn't the first suburban guy to say as such. They don't see my side that I don't want to get stuck and hour and a half away from home with no way to get back. I can't allow you to pick me up and hope you'll bring me back. What if you don't? I don't know you.
Then if I explain it like that they get defensive and say "Why do you assume I'm the kind of person to do that?" Then all of a sudden I find myself having to justify my reasoning to someone I have spoken three words to.
Another guy was a top and wanted me to be his bottom. I am a top and replied as such, and got a series of hostile messages accusing me of not being a "real" homosexual, because I haven't experienced being a bottom.
It's that bad??
Yes and I'm not alone in this. I have talked to other guys with similar results. And it's the same old story; I loved it when this other guy, I knew, told me how he told a someone "sorry I don't think we're a match." The next thing you know there was an ad on the site, with his picture (stolen) saying he was fake.
They'll do that?
Oh yes, then what is worse is this, I noticed this as well. Often times right after you will find yourself suddenly getting responses to your ad by great looking guys. What these people do is put in a fake profile, with a fake picture, the hope being you'll answer yes and they can reject you then. It becomes a tit for tat kind of thing.
Well still in all, isn't not saying "no thanks" is at least rude?
I don't see it that way. Saying that is like saying "everyone should have an answer phone, because it's rude to let the phone ring out with no response." No response mean no, what else could it mean? Trust me if someone wants you, they make time to get back to you. Besides how do you know what ad to answer?
I'm not following
For instance, let's say you write in your ad, will not reply to people without face pic. Do you send a "courtesy no?" or do you ignore that reply because they ignored your request to have a face pic?
If you send a "no thanks reply," you will be assured to get the "well I can send you pic?" or they will say "I can unlock it if you're interested?" And then of course now do you respond to their response? If so do you give them a second chance? Or do you say, sorry if you can't get it right the first time don't bother?
Basically what this person is trying to do is get a foot in the door, starting a dialogue with you. And now suddenly no matter how you answer, you look like the bad guy, and why, when it was they who didn't respect you enough in the first place?
And think of this, you are taking up a lot of time from someone. Also remember you are not the only one answering ads. Now for someone like me who gets maybe 10 replies a week, it's no big deal but supposing I'm one of those people that gets 50 replies a day. Or let's say 10 replies a day.
Do I waste time going back and forth with you on emails or do I go to one of the other nine ads.
What about a simple "thanks" if you're just paying someone a compliment?
Sounds reasonable, but again are people sincere in that compliment or trying to get a foot in the door?
What I mean is are you being sincere, or are you just using the compliment because you don't have enough nerve to say something directly to that person.
Let's look at a typical result for me
Here's how it goes
You say) Nice body
I say) Thanks
You say) You're welcome
I say) [nothing thinking we're done]
You say) No I really mean it.
Now that is generally what happens in my experience. Where does that leave me? How long can I keep thanking him for the thank you?
I have found if you pay someone a compliment and they say "thanks" that means, "thanks, leave me alone." If they are interested in you they reply with something like "Thanks, you too."
So you're assuming everyone is trying to get you? Kind of an ego trip isn't it?
In a way it is but it's been my experience. For instance one guy contacted me without a pic, but said "Hey I like the way you change your ad and it's always clever."
So I said thanks and sure enough he came back with let's have sex. Now here is a guy with no pic, nothing in his ad and nothing filled out on his profile.
OK but you could say "No thanks," and just ignore the follow ups.
Yes you could, but if you are communicating via email, instead of an inside a system, that person now has your email address. Then you find it posted all over the place with the spam that comes with it. Of course I am assuming you were smart enough to use a throw-a-way email like hotmail or gmail so it wouldn't matter.
And with the hostile reaction I've received, do I really want to put up with the fake profiles and people using them to scam me into thinking someone likes, because I rejected them?
Besides how does one determine what kind of response deserves a reply?
Didn't you cover that already?
Partly, in addition to the example of a compliment, and should I reply if someone doesn't follow my "rules" so to speak, what about replies that simply say "Hi."
If you say "I'm not interested," you will almost always get the reply back "well I wasn't trying to pick your ugly ass up I just wanted to be your friend." Which sounds sweet till you ask yourself why, if he just wants to be friends, isn't he answering everyone. Or why did he pick my ad, which happens to have nothing in it, to indicate I am looking for a friend.
Sounds like you'll always have a reason why it isn't rude to not reply
I am just sharing with you what has happened to me. And maybe it'll help peple understand why people don't reply and hope it helps them see it's not a rap against them, but the system in general.
From my experience it gets you nothing but undeserved hostility. I have spoken to other people and seen even worse results. I have nothing against it, I used to do it, but I no longer do it, and I hope by reading this you can see why I and other people don't do it.
Besides one thing I learned is if someone wants you, they will reply to you. Even if only to say "Well I'm busy but keep me in mind for another time." No reply is in effect a "no thanks" in of itself. I mean do you really think the email got lost?
The only reason I can think of similar to a lost email is that if you reply to a really "hot" guy, he may be getting a hundred or so responses and then you may be "lost" in the glut of answers.
Do people really get over 100 responses?
As hard as it is to believe yes they do. When I did a website for this guy, he brought up the subject of bandwidth for his site, and I thought to myself, "what an ego" he ain't all that, he won't get that many responses.
I told him so, but in a nice way. He invited me to go onto Manhunt. This guy was a 28 year old very hot, Puerto Rican guy. I was shocked. Within the first five minutes he was already up to 50 responses. We tried to send a courtesy reply, (Manhunt has a section where you can send a form courtesy reply) and I literally could not keep up with the emails.
And he let me read these email responses; this was a true eye opener for me. I would not have believed this if I didn't see it.
But it gave me a real insight to what some people go thru and why they get hostile sometimes.
Speaking of which, what is a good response rate to my ad
Well the ideal answer is one, if he is a match. After all you only need one guy that fits right? Or maybe a couple of guys that fit.
When I had another client doing a work website for him, we got to talking and I suggested he try Manhunt. He was an OK looking guy, about 45, balding on top, average build, not fat, height and weight proportional. He thought Manhunt was just for sex, which it pretty much is, but I said "Well it's free so just throw a profile and see what you get."
I felt so bad for him. He didn't get one answer from anyone. We reworked his ad and I took another pic, still nothing.
So I shouldn't feel bad if I only get a couple of responses
Well the whole thing is quantity doesn't matter. Look at the first guy I told you about, he got so many responses but virtually none of them were from guys he liked. Add to that he had to have the frustration of looking through over 100 emails to find that out.
Quality matters, sheer numbers does no good, remember the whole point of being online is too meet someone so you don't have to spend anymore time online.
Why do I get responses from out of town people?
I wonder this myself. I can't understand why someone will say "Hi, I'm going to be in Chicago next November, want to hook up while I'm there. At first I would answer these ads, but it became apparent quickly that when they actually came to town, they never called or made an effort to hook up. So I don't know the deal with that. If I'm interested I just say, "Thanks, give me a shout when you're in town."
There are some people that have been involved in long distance email type relationships and I discuss that in my miscellaneous section.
Someone offered me money for sex
It happens, if it happens to me I can imagine it happens to a lot of people. I knew of a young kid (around 20) and he'd get really offended, and I can see his point, after all in a way you are calling him a prostitute. So just don't think you're alone it that.
I had someone want me to pay them for sex
That is more common to us men over 40. I get that a lot, especially at the first of the month when the rent comes due. And the weird thing is everyone one of these guys who want me to be "generous" with them are not much. I mean if I'm going to pay for it, I'll get one of these nice looking escorts.
I recall the phenomenon started when I turned 40. And the thing is I can think of only one or two guys under 25 that hit me up didn't expect me to pay for it. Now remember they contacted me not the other way around.
And it's not always cash. For some reason taking $500 cash makes them a prostitute but asking me to buy them a $500 bed makes them a receiver of a gift.
Why do some people respond saying they'll email me pics
I don't understand this either. Most sites offer a way to "lock" your pics from those you don't want to see them. Most sights have some basic protection against stealing pics. Although any pic can be lifted, if you email someone your pic, you've given it to them outright. And you've exposed your email address as well.
I have found several people have attempted, whether deliberate or not, to give me viruses through pictures. Fortunately I have an anti-virus program but I rarely now follow up with people who want to send a pic.
The reason I am given, the most, is simply that they are not out and don't want their picture on the site. But if you can lock and unlock it I don't follow that line of reasoning. Maybe someone can tell me.
What do I do about guys who won't quit answering my ad?
Well most sites will let you block people, and if it comes in via email you can easily throw the address in a spam filter. It usually does no good to confront the person because all they do is to open a new profile or email you with a new email address.
I remember one guy, I'll call him OakParkJoe and he just wouldn't quit sending me messages. Then I was reading profiles and another person wrote in their ad. If I do not respond I am not interested, and that MEANS YOU OakParkJoe.
So at least I know I wasn't alone in that issue
This is all ok for reading but you make it sound like everyone has an agenda online?
ell most people do. Now think about it, most people are not sitting online for entertainment value. They want to get out and meet people. Isn't that the idea?