Thoughts On Rejection
The online experience at being rejected is slightly different because of the ability to see the other person. As annoying as it may be to go up to a guy in a bar and have him say "no," after it's over it's pretty much done.
But suppose you meet and get rejected by someone you met online. Then you go home and find he's back online. As if to say, "well I was horny but looking at you made me realize I'll never be that horny"
But online there are other forms of rejection, like someone you email and talk with suddenly stop replying to you, why? You probably will never know, perhaps he was lying about who he is; maybe he got tired of you? You really can't tell
Even when you get the "nice" message "Thanks for replying, I'm sorry but I don't feel we're a match." While it's nice, you still got rejected.
And let's face it, it is never nice to feel that you're not suitable or up to someone's standards.
Or feeling you were rejected when you didn't get the chance to make a case for yourself.
In bars I have been told "you're just too old for me." I have had people like me and when I say I'm 41 they say, "Oh didn't realize you were that old, sorry." And they get up and walk away.
I have been rejected because I have acne pox marks on my face, because I'm not good looking enough or because I don't have enough money
I have been to restaurants and had people leave to go to the restroom and not come back. And now in addition to being rejected, and losing my dignity I have to pay for the restaurant bill.
I had one guy say to me, "Oh you have six pack abs, but I only dig guys with washboard abs, but if you ever get them give me a call."
I remember thinking "Good God, if that's true does this guy EVER hookup. After all how many people have a washboard abs?
I don't know what's worse the hostel rejection where you ask someone out (in person or online) and they say bluntly "Good God No." As if to say "why on earth would you even THINK I'd want you.
One of the worst ways to be rejected is when you walk up to a guy and he looks at you irritated, totally ignores you and won't even acknowledge you exist. And you feel like the pet dog that is desperately at the knee of his owner trying to get some attention from the master, who can't be bothered to even acknowledge you.
Off the subject of sex, I recall how hard it was for me to have to look for a job once I hit 40. I never had to look for a job in my life, well no more than one week. Suddenly after I hit 40 no one wanted me, or so it seemed.
Talk about rejection, I recall one job, I interviewed with seven people over a period of six days via the phone. This company paid for me to fly to Washington D.C. They paid for a limo to pick me up at the airport, I got a free stay at the hotel and to eat 4 meals at a fancy restaurants. But after the H/R director looked at me it was over in FIVE minutes. Yes that was it. They probably spent $1,500.00 on flying me out and giving me hotel and restaurants. And while on the phone everyone thought I was great, when I got there they didn't even send me a courtesy reply of "sorry."
Talk about rejection
Sometimes you get to the point where people make you feel you don't even have the right to be or the right to exist.
The point I am trying to make is we all get rejected for various reasons and in that spirit lies a bond that crosses the masses. The only difference is some people get rejected more than others. And being rejected doesn't make you a bad person, it may make you feel like it does, but that's a false feeling.
So how do you deal with this? For me rejection isn't about the act, the number of times it happens. You start to wonder, will this ever get better, or am I doomed.
I say this in hope of convincing people that despite it you need to keep trying. Maybe nothing will get better, but unless you try you're guaranteed it won't.
So how to deal with it? I guess the rational report is to look at it objectively and see if it is something you care to change. For instance, if I had the money, I'd see about getting my pox marks removed. But I don't have it so it has to wait.
Also realize what you see as an issue might not be. For instance I once thought a large part of my problem was being over 40. But after I met a couple of guys over 40 and we swapped notes. I found they get a LOT of responses and dates from younger guys who are very hot.
So obviously in that case I was blaming something that just wasn't.
But rejection isn't all a negative thing to. Only by failing can we see what is wrong and not do it again. And frankly I would rather not be with someone who really doesn't want me.
I am reminded of an old B&W episode of My Three Sons. It was the one where a girl had a crush on Chip and the girl's mother had a crush on Steve. Chip wants to tell the girl to bug off but Steve explains, "It isn't nice to reject people. What we'll do is the next few times they call us up, will think of excuses not to go and eventually they'll get the idea we're not interested. See that way is a lot nicer than telling them to go away." Chip looks at Steve and says "But dad, how nice are we really being if we're only PRETENDING to like them?
That is a pretty powerful way to look at it.
I hope that by reading this you will be able to gain some comfort in knowing you're not alone in the feelings of being rejected. And whenever you're on the opposite end of the spectrum and have to reject people you will be a little more kind, and try to add a touch of understand to it.
Oh yes and don't forget the best piece of alive for handling rejection -- Ice Cream.