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Why The Online Hostility?


I wanted to take a section out of this dating stuff to deal with one subject that seems to come up quite a lot. Hostility, as I read thru profiles I often see a great number of them are hostile in nature.

I often wonder though, what people new to this online dating must think. After all they don't know what is going on, they just walk into a stream of hostile intentions for which they did nothing to bring on.

I think a lot of this could be better understood, if we attempted to see the other guy's side of thing.

For instance I have been stood up a lot by online people. And as for me it's caused me to implement "rules' so to speak. And these so called "rules" may have kept me from finding Mr. Right.

It's funny when I let my guard down and bend or don't enforce these rules how nothing changes though.

Let's examine this, thru me. One of my "rules" is that after 11pm I don't hook up for the first time unless you're right in my neighborhood. I feel with the hundred and fifty or maybe two hundred (yes that many) times I've been stood up it makes sense, but to someone I tell it too it may come across as being insulting.

They often take it as a personal affront to them. Even though I explain if I knew you I'd have no problem going to meet you late at night.

The odd thing is when I explain this to people I have had people tell me "That's horrible I'd never do that." So when I go to meet them what happens, they stand me up.

I think repeated disappointments are what cause the hostility we see. Things we don't understand. Things like why don't people read my profile before answering.

It's not necessarily that we get stood up or that someone lied about their looks but the frequency of such events that is alarming and cause us to get jaded.

Another part of the hostility is because we often write ads to get a reaction. If you read my site you would see I recommend not being negative, yet in a lot of ads not only do you see that but also you get actual challenges.

If you put something in your ad like "No fuckin' old guys" you're going to irritate a lot of people. Especially since an old guy is a relative term. You will probably get responses from people "just" to irritate you back.

Terms used even when the intent isn't hostile can be interrupted as such. For example I see people saying, "I'm clean as of January 1st."

I have talked to a lot of HIV+ people that take offense of the term clean. Reacting to it, as HIV+ people are dirty, instead of being seen as someone with a medical condition.

When this was first brought to my attention by some positive guys it sounded silly to me but now I can see their point. Instead of saying clean it's just as easy to say "drug and disease free." "HIV-"

I can understand this. I often receive very hostile replies to my emails and I wonder, why. Yeah I know they can be a little wordy and my attempts at humour may fail, but I wonder what makes someone say, "I'm gonna take this person down a peg."

And what's ever worse is my attempt to deal with it. At first I used to block that person. But then I realized if I block someone on Manhunt all it does it remove my profile from their view. So if I leave them unblocked they still have to look at me. Later on I got to thinking, oh stop being such a jerk and just block them.

I feel it's reasonable to get angry or irritated at someone if they stand you up or but I have never ran across an ad that makes me want to cuss this stranger out.

Another thing I think we forget about is seeing people on the site day after day, maybe even talking to them, in a way we feel we get to know them, and they are less strangers to us. Perhaps this makes us feel comfortable enough to cuss someone out.

Barebacking is another issue that brings hostility. And I have found that it usually comes from not properly understanding the condition, both for positive and negative guys.

I admit I will get miffed when I see someone not understanding why it is not a good idea to take as many loads up the butt as he can. But it's something I don't think positive guys think about. Their own future and even how your practice of unsafe sex, even if you are positive affects the whole gay community and me.

Bi-Guys are another source of aggravation. Especially since the term bi-guy has come to mean "gay but straight acting." A lot of gay men simply cannot believe a man can like both men and women. Especially like I said, the term bi-guy is misused to mean "straight acting." it's a source of aggravation

Part of this may go back to another time when light skinned blacks tried to pass as white or Jews changed their last names not to sound Jewish.

Which brings up the term "straight acting." This sets a lot of guys off. They say what is so straight about a guy sucking some man off. They are confusing the term acting. Acting is just another word for pretend. So when someone says "straight acting," it means they can pretend to be straight and pass."

I remember once I worked with a guy who was pretty effeminate. I was half listening in on a conversation he was having with another clerk. He said to her "it's hard being gay, I remember what a hard time I had telling my mother I was gay." And I just blurted out "You mean you actually had to tell someone?" I didn't mean to hurt his feelings and I apologized.

That said I think if you are getting a lot of hostile response it would be best to examine what you wrote and see if, in the first place your ad is written to get a reaction, and in the second place if you're using terms that could be causing this.

I mean yeah we can debate forever whether to say you're "clean" is a slap to an HIV+ person, but really it takes only a second to choose another word, and if by doing so you can make someone else's internet experience that much better

And as gay people we don't do enough to stick together, and yes sure, a lot of straight people the same, but I don't expect gay people to be "just as good as straight people," I expect them to be better.

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